1
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,792
>> I'm carter hawkins.

2
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The topic -- presidential
Campaign.

3
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Supervillain killface versus
Billionaire tycoon xander crews.

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Joining me, news lady grace ryan
And suspiciously handsome

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Political commentator
Harper ellis.

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Grace, harper, welcome to
"The hawk."

7
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>> thank you.

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>> democratic nominee killface,
Harper?

9
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>> you got to love this guy.

10
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Cured global warming, rescued
Baby lamont, has hip-hop

11
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Megastar taqu'il on the ticket.

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>> republican nominee
Billionaire tycoon xander crews,

13
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Grace ryan.

14
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>> well, he's just fantastic.

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>> he has no experience
Whatsoever.

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>> he's also a billionaire.

17
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>> richest candidate always
Wins.

18
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Harper?

19
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>> unfortunately, that's often
The case, but with global

20
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Warming --
>> mr. Ford via satellite.

21
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American voters -- what do they
Want?

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>> mr. Ford: really, all america
Wants is cold beer, warm [bleep]

23
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And someplace to take a [bleep]
With a door on it.

24
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>> up next --
>> you don't want the dog

25
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Looking at you.

26
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>> immigration -- why not have a
Massive pedestrian overpass to

27
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Canada?

28
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>> xander: man, I was gonna do a
Pedestrian overpass to canada.

29
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I was gonna call it "The spic
Span."

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>> and I think it's a fantastic
Idea.

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>> xander: see, stan, you get
Me.

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>> a good quality in a running
Mate.

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>> xander: I am glad you brought
That up, 'cause I need somebody

34
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Who gets me, and also somebody
Who's a fighter, stan -- just a

35
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Tenacious smashing bastard.

36
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>> yep.

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>> xander: he may be a little
Older, may be a little balder,

38
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But he's still the only player
In nfl history to get two

39
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Safeties in a single game.

40
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>> I'm sorry?

41
00:01:45,125 --> 00:01:48,750
>> xander: yes, stan -- two-time
Pro bowler fred dryer.

42
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>> you mean tv's hunter?

43
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>> xander: [ gasps ]
He was hunter?

44
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Oh, my god!

45
00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:57,292
Ashley!

46
00:01:57,375 --> 00:02:01,542
I have a new secretary, 'cause
Turns out simone died.

47
00:02:02,917 --> 00:02:07,083
[ engine runs ]
[ beeping ]

48
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,000
Ashley!

49
00:02:08,083 --> 00:02:09,583
>> I had to chase after him.

50
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>> xander: ashley!

51
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>> yeah?

52
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>> xander: get me fred dryer on
The phone.

53
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>> like, the guy from "Hunter"?

54
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>> xander: how does everybody
Know this?

55
00:02:19,083 --> 00:02:19,958
Yes!

56
00:02:20,042 --> 00:02:21,708
Is this just like common
Knowledge?

57
00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:24,000
Also, get me every episode of
"Hunter."

58
00:02:24,083 --> 00:02:24,792
>> like, on dvd?

59
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>> xander: format doesn't
Matter!

60
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But if it's any other format,
I'm gonna need the machine that

61
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Plays it.

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Just give me two of every
Machine that ever played video,

63
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And then the "Hunter."

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>> got it.

65
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>> xander: and then format won't
Matter.

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>> should I call him fir-
[ beep ]

67
00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:43,167
Tv's hunter!

68
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,667
God, it's like finding out jesus
Knew karate.

69
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Imagine that, stan -- karate
Jesus.

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>> can I at least be campaign
Manager?

71
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>> yeah, if fred dryer says it's
Okay.

72
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♪ dee dee mccall
Okay, so, go get me a prosthetic

73
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:00,417
Ear.

74
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:01,833
Also, go get me a campaign jet.

75
00:03:01,917 --> 00:03:03,750
>> wouldn't you rather have a
Bus?

76
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:04,917
>> xander: a bus?

77
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Stan, I'm the republican
Candidate for president, not the

78
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Old black lady that comes to
Clean your house,

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Whatever those are called.

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00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,625
>> wendell, you've outdone
Yourself.

81
00:03:18,708 --> 00:03:22,458
>> well, now I know how
Diego rivera must have felt when

82
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He was banging frida kahlo.

83
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Bagging the unibrow.

84
00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:29,542
>> killface: I just...

85
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Can't believe it was $9,000.

86
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>> well, there's hidden fees,
You know.

87
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Title transfer, plus having the
Tags.

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00:03:37,792 --> 00:03:44,583
[ clanking ]
>> killface: I thought it would

89
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Have cost more.

90
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,250
>> oh, well, then, never mind my
Excuse.

91
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:49,500
>> killface: wait, is that blood
Down there?

92
00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:53,792
>> no, I...Think that is
Hydraulic fluid.

93
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>> killface: well, even so, it's
A steal at twice the price.

94
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So, if there's a few bucks left
Over, you know, go get something

95
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Nice.

96
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:05,958
>> yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000
Prostitute, please.

97
00:04:06,042 --> 00:04:06,542
Oh.

98
00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,208
Do you have nine $1,000 ones?

99
00:04:08,292 --> 00:04:09,125
Yeah? Good.

100
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,750
And if you got an albino, send
Her up, too.

101
00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:16,125
And in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be
Asleep, so get them up here.

102
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I had, like, half a bottle of
Melatonin, six beers, this whole

103
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[bleep] Bucket of chicken.

104
00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,958
Oh, the sandman is coming.

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00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:26,833
>> killface: oh, and it's got a
Little micro --

106
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Oh, my god, that's full size.

107
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>> it's the same model that's in
Your house.

108
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>> killface: that's 300 watts.

109
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>> 'cause you already got it
Dialed in for the vegeritos.

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>> killface: oh, I love them.

111
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Wendell, this is the greatest
Campaign vehicle in the history

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Of the --
[ rumbling ]

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Son of a whore!

114
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>> papa bear, get down!

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00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,208
>> killface: hmm?

116
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Wendell, would you get off me?

117
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>> I got to shield you from the
Bullets.

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>> killface: I don't think that
Was the assassin.

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>> no, that wasn't me.

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I'm more low-tech, high-concept,
I guess -- angel of death.

121
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Rahh! [ laughs ]
>> okay.

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>> killface: oh, my god, did you
See that?

123
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Look, I was laying right there.

124
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It could have crushed me.

125
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>> first the tarantula, and now
This.

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>> killface: first the tarantula
And now this.

127
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You know?

128
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>> maybe you should put the
Necklace back.

129
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:18,625
Ever think of that?

130
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>> killface: don't you have any
Leads?

131
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>> well, just these.

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I guess the assassin must have
Dropped them, which [sniffs]

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Actually might just be a red
Herring.

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>> killface: you know --
>> oh, lighten up.

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>> killface: I know, I know, but
I just can't stay mad at him.

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No, wendell, that explosion was
Caused by someone far more...

137
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Crappier.

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00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,750
>> xander: folks, welcome to air
President.

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That sonic boom was me blowing
Out the windows on my opponent's

140
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Bus, just like I'm gonna blow
Him out in the election.

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Ka-kow! Questions?

142
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:53,792
Who's first?

143
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:54,917
Grace ryan.

144
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,083
No, you're not first.

145
00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:57,625
Call on darcell for me.

146
00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:58,167
>> what?

147
00:05:58,250 --> 00:05:59,917
>> xander: waiting on you.

148
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>> that's pathetic.

149
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>> please don't do this.

150
00:06:02,625 --> 00:06:04,417
>> xander: call on darcell.

151
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:05,292
Do it.

152
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>> [ sighs ]
Darcell jones of team jaguar.

153
00:06:07,958 --> 00:06:11,333
>> yes, darcell jones of team --
>> xander: hang on, darcell.

154
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I'm sorry.

155
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,583
You, grace, do the roar.

156
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:14,500
>> what?

157
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,292
>> xander: roar like the team
Jaguar jaguar.

158
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>> [ sighs ]
Rar.

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>> xander: no!

160
00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,125
Dammit, you're an apex predator.

161
00:06:22,208 --> 00:06:22,625
>> rahr!

162
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:23,542
>> xander: yeah!

163
00:06:23,625 --> 00:06:26,500
That's how she sounds when I'm
Banging her.

164
00:06:26,583 --> 00:06:29,083
[ laughter ]
Whoo-hoo!

165
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,083
>> I know.

166
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:32,000
I just can't stay mad at him.

167
00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:34,542
I'm gonna to have his babies.

168
00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,333
>> uh, is that --
>> uh-huh.

169
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>> shouldn't that be in a
Freezer?

170
00:06:38,417 --> 00:06:41,333
>> sometimes I just like to hold
Them.

171
00:06:41,417 --> 00:06:42,833
>> fantastic.

172
00:06:42,917 --> 00:06:45,167
>> killface: emergency strategy
Meeting.

173
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:48,167
Everybody come in here and --
Oh.

174
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,250
Guess we're all here.

175
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:51,000
Well, first, we need more staff.

176
00:06:51,083 --> 00:06:54,417
And now that the perfidious
Xander crews is running against

177
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,208
Us, we must have an airplane.

178
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:57,292
>> an airplane?

179
00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:59,625
>> god, please don't make me
Kill again.

180
00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:00,208
>> killface: hmm?

181
00:07:00,292 --> 00:07:01,083
>> what?

182
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:02,042
>> we can't afford an airplane.

183
00:07:02,125 --> 00:07:04,083
>> killface: well, maybe if
You'd lay off the

184
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:05,917
Platinum-infused highballs.

185
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:06,625
>> me?

186
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:08,667
What about those idiotic
T-shirts?

187
00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:13,292
>> okay, hope you got your jock
On tight, because ta-da!

188
00:07:13,375 --> 00:07:14,542
>> killface: "Ming."

189
00:07:14,625 --> 00:07:17,000
Ming, ming -- what am I looking
At?

190
00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:18,333
>> oh, sorry.

191
00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:19,542
>> killface: um...

192
00:07:19,625 --> 00:07:22,000
>> "Kept us out of war...Ming."

193
00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,000
Global warming.

194
00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,750
>> killface: why is "Ming" on
The front?

195
00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:26,625
>> no, it's not --
>> killface: there's a pocket

196
00:07:26,708 --> 00:07:27,417
There, wendell.

197
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,333
>> oh, yeah. Crap.

198
00:07:28,417 --> 00:07:30,333
>> killface: how much did<I> that</I>
Cost us?

199
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:33,375
>> not that much 'cause they had
A pretty decent price break

200
00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:34,125
There.

201
00:07:34,208 --> 00:07:35,458
>> killface: there where?

202
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:36,667
>> 36...Thousand.

203
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:38,125
>> killface: wendell!

204
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,375
>> and that pocket was free.

205
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,333
You know, you put your zoon in
There.

206
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:44,417
>> you couldn't pour pee out of
A boot if the directions were on

207
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:45,083
The heel.

208
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,042
>> woman, they had pricing
Tiers.

209
00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:49,625
>> oh, go tell it to your albino
Whores.

210
00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:52,083
>> I will not even dignify that
With a response.

211
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,542
>> killface: yeah, please don't.

212
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:54,750
>> can I say something?

213
00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:56,583
>> killface: not if it's about
That.

214
00:07:56,667 --> 00:07:58,792
>> how about we try to crews on
The issues?

215
00:07:58,875 --> 00:08:01,292
Like, did anybody read my
Position paper on education

216
00:08:01,375 --> 00:08:02,167
Reform?

217
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,125
>> oh, yeah.

218
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,875
That thing's chock-full
Of...Reform.

219
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:07,875
No, I didn't read it.

220
00:08:07,958 --> 00:08:09,417
>> look, we can win this
Election.

221
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,833
>> killface: how, giving out
Free bus rides?

222
00:08:11,917 --> 00:08:15,167
>> well, who wants to ride in
Some crappy, old bus with no

223
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:15,792
Windows?

224
00:08:15,875 --> 00:08:16,417
>> me, me. Me.

225
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:17,667
>> oh, you just like trips.

226
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,750
>> killface: oh, can you lay off
The bird?

227
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,042
He's the only reason we've
Gotten this far.

228
00:08:22,125 --> 00:08:24,583
>> crews cannot touch us on
Global warming.

229
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:27,000
>> [ mumbling ]
>> killface: no, it's not on

230
00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,208
Backwards.

231
00:08:28,042 --> 00:08:30,625
>> and you're forgetting his
Underlying weakness -- he's an

232
00:08:30,708 --> 00:08:31,417
Idiot.

233
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,917
>> killface: he<I> is</I> an idiot.</I>

234
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,000
I forgot about that.

235
00:08:34,083 --> 00:08:37,667
>> I mean, what's his position
On education reform, vouchers?

236
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,208
>> xander: hotter teachers.

237
00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:43,125
'cause if the teachers are crazy
Smoking-ass hot, kids will study

238
00:08:43,208 --> 00:08:43,833
More.

239
00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:45,375
And plus we'll get them boob
Jobs.

240
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,708
>> who, the teachers?

241
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:50,208
>> xander: yeah, or high-school
Chicks, too, if they want them.

242
00:08:50,042 --> 00:08:51,208
Or whoever.

243
00:08:51,042 --> 00:08:53,542
You know, big, fat-ass, double
D's for everybody.

244
00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:56,833
>> well, that's certainly --
>> xander: you could kind of use

245
00:08:56,917 --> 00:08:57,750
A set.

246
00:08:57,833 --> 00:08:59,750
[ laughter ]
>> xander: hang on, gonna swing

247
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,500
Around and blow out the windows
On killface's house.

248
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,833
>> well, if we can't afford an
Airplane, why not just take away

249
00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:06,833
His?

250
00:09:06,917 --> 00:09:08,792
>> killface: and how do you
Propose we do that?

251
00:09:08,875 --> 00:09:11,458
>> well, I actually have some
Thoughts on that.

252
00:09:11,542 --> 00:09:14,167
>> xander: pedestrian overpass
To canada.

253
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:17,042
This way, the mexicans walk
Right over us --

254
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:20,500
[ rumbling ]
>> my god, a missile!

255
00:09:20,583 --> 00:09:22,458
We've been hit.

256
00:09:22,542 --> 00:09:24,625
>> ooh, nice shot!

257
00:09:24,708 --> 00:09:27,083
>> killface: take that,
You...Republican.

258
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,583
>> dammit, I thought we were
Gonna campaign on the issues!

259
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,292
>> killface: oh, lighten up.

260
00:09:32,375 --> 00:09:35,125
>> [ mumbling ]
>> killface: no, you can have

261
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,042
One cupcake.

262
00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:38,958
>> xander: thanks for coming
Out, everybody.

263
00:09:39,042 --> 00:09:41,375
I got to jump out of this
Burning airplane.

264
00:09:41,458 --> 00:09:42,708
>> you have a parachute?

265
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:44,583
>> xander: yeah, built into my
Tux.

266
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,500
Also recycles urine.

267
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:46,500
>> take me with you.

268
00:09:46,583 --> 00:09:48,958
>> xander: yeah, I can probably
Take one person.

269
00:09:49,042 --> 00:09:50,292
>> well, then, take me.

270
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:51,375
>> xander: ooh!

271
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:52,333
>> ooh, what?

272
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,958
>> xander: well, stan's campaign
Manager.

273
00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:56,208
>> ka-kow!

274
00:09:56,042 --> 00:09:58,583
>> if you leave me to burn to
Death in this airplane, we are

275
00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,792
Just finished.

276
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:02,917
>> xander: well, we'll always
Have vegas.

277
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,167
>> that wasn't me!

278
00:10:04,250 --> 00:10:07,458
>> xander: oh, right.

279
00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:08,792
Okay.

280
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:12,125
>> you bastard!

281
00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,333
God, still can't stay mad at
Him!

282
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:20,750
Ahhhhhhhh!

283
00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:23,208
>> uh [clears throat]
Thank you for picking me.

284
00:10:23,292 --> 00:10:26,125
>> xander: hey, don't get all
"Sophie's choice," man, you

285
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,042
Know?

286
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,167
Think of all the sympathy coos
I'm gonna get.

287
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,042
"Oh, where's your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she burned to death."

288
00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:34,167
"Oh, my god, put your penis
In my vagina."

289
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,042
I'm gonna be killing it, man.

290
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:37,917
Ugh!

291
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:43,042
[ sighs ]
You...

292
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:47,792
You are like a bad penny.


